just thinking out loud…
Jan 11th, 2008 by woodstone
This is likely to be a different kind of post. Rather than a “what we did today” post, this will probably be more of a “thinking out loud to process something” post…
If you’re not into rambling, you might want to skip this… go visit my friends here, here, or here. They surely have more interesting stuff going on.
I have a confession to make.
When it comes to M and hospitalization it’s much easier for me to talk the talk, than walk the walk.
I can tell myself all the very logical, responsible reasons why an inpatient stay can be a good thing.
I can tell myself that the people who staff the inpatient unit are good people. People who care about children, especially mentally ill children.
I can tell myself that M will have the benefit of full-time PROFESSIONAL staff (versus my decidedly amateur status), and will probably enjoy his time there.
I can tell myself that it would be good for R and I to have a break from the schizophrenia, and at 15 M is plenty old enough to be away for awhile.
And I can tell myself that Dr B will be there, her office is on the unit. She cares about him and I can trust her with him.
But… when push comes to shove, and Dr B says “ I do think that it would be good if M could be in-patient in order to get the changes to happen more quickly. The process might actually take some time…” My reaction is one of panic.
Heart pumping, can’t catch my breath, fight or flight, maybe-I-should-take-one-of-R’s-klonopins, kind of panic.
The kind of panic that makes me quickly hide, in a seldom used folder, the email that started the feeling, because just seeing it in my inbox brings the panic back.
The kind of panic that makes no sense…
Or does it?
Do I listen to my head or my gut?
My gut is sending me an unmistakable message. “Red Alert, red alert!” it’s screaming at me, don’t do this.
While at the same time my head is telling me how foolish I’m being, and all the good and logical reasons to have M admitted.
I hate this feeling.
Before M had schizophrenia, before I knew what it really was, I would have thought of this feeling as a “schizophrenic” feeling… kind of a split personality thing. I know now that schizophrenia has nothing to do with split personality. (The word “schizophrenia” comes from the Greek words “schizo”- split and “phrenia” - mind, but refers to the split between reality and psychosis; fragmenting of the mind… not a split into different personalities.)
I probably hate this feeling most because I don’t know what to do with it.
Listen to it?
Ignore it?
Run away from it? (which seems like a very attractive option right now)
It’s going to take a while to sort this out.
I’m glad Dr B is out of town.
Maybe she’ll just forget about admitting M.
The neuropsychiatric unit is full (LOL, which is easy when there is only one bed!), and there are five kids on the wait list. It will be awhile before his name comes up… maybe I can make enough of the med changes by then that we won’t need to talk about an inpatient stay.
Surely she wouldn’t/couldn’t bump M to the top of the list…
And we’re going out of town the end of the month. Plane tickets are bought and paid for… He has to be home, and functional, by the 28th at least. (Thank you Lord, for the impulse to buy those plane tickets. Thank you J for letting us come and visit!)
That’s only about two weeks away, probably not enough time for an inpatient stay.
Maybe I can just make the changes at home and he’ll be fine…
If the pdoc would just give me a schedule of the changes, rather than me having to call her all the time to figure out the next step, I’d have a better chance of making them on my own.
LOL, I think I need a shrink…
….anybody know a good one?!
I’m drowning in psychiatry and yet my best, most effective ”therapy” is cleaning the barn, working with the animals, and working in the garden.
Too cold for the garden, I just trimmed the goat’s hooves, and the dogs are all fine.
The barn could use a good cleaning though…
all those years we spent teaching other moms to follow their heart, that they know what’s best for their kids is what’s pulling on you.
You’re scared with good reason… M is YOUR baby, not theirs. You know what’s best for him. You know what can happen if he were with them and you worry about that…with good reason.
You’re also scared that one day M will have a day that you just aren’t ready for and what will happen because of that.
You’ve done all the research…now is the time for prayer.
Go clean the barn and pray about this. I’m sure that God will answer you.
Lots of hugs and continued prayers coming your way.
and now the anti-spam word is PEACE.
I don’t envy you this decision.
There is so much I don’t know. I think I know what it’s like but I doubt I really now. I don’t mean this in a bad way but I doubt you tell me everything (as you don’t want me to worry).
You are a good parent and I don’t know any good parents that could freely give their child to someone else for care without a epic mental battle.
It may be near impossible, but I’d think you’d have to think of this clinically.
How you do this when it concerns your own child, I haven’t a clue.
Oh, Maura! I empathize with your pain. I’ve been in the position to consider such a thing, and it scared me to death. So, I had to get real with what my Adam needed from me. He was getting to the age (taller, bigger, stronger) that if he didn’t get certain behaviors under control, I really couldn’t know what his future held. His ability to live at home. That scared me more.
So, since my goal is that he can live at home with us, I needed to take whatever measures were needed to ensure that. I want to hope that if an inpatient need arose, and I knew there were no other choices, or that, as you have listed, there are tons of proactive positives for doing it, I would. But, I have enough experience that until that time comes, I don’t know if I would be strong enough.
Worse, I don’t want things to force me to be strong enough. I would rather CHOOSE to place him in a situation like that for good and proactive reasons and be ahead of the game, ya know?
Some words of empathy, encouragement, and maybe insight for ya . . .
And, as the previous poster said, prayer is a great asset in such decisions, though it still takes clearing all personal desires out and really hearing His will, for He knows your child even better than you
Warmly,
Cindy
No words of wisdom — just ((HUGS)) and prayers. Trust yourself.
Great responses from the above (imho). When it comes to our children there are times when we are not rational. As Mom would say, our irrational fears take over. At this moment, there might not be a definitive right or wrong answer. Perhaps things could go on as they are ~ up and down ~ for quite a while, as they have been. As Applestars said, we don’t want to be forced to make a decision in the heat/emotion/fear/danger of the moment but rather to think it through and make a reasonable choice. But, again, when it comes to our babies, that is extremely difficult especially when so much is at stake. Trusting others can be so hard when we know that they are fallible, too. Maybe it would be better to be proactive and address the situation before it is a “have to”? Just my own thinking out loud.
i’ll be praying for all of you.
(My anti-spam word is “feast” ! )
I can’t say much, but trust yourself. The decision is hard, but when you need to, you will make the right on for your family.
No advice, but just letting you know I am praying for you.
I am praying too. Your dilemma brings tears to my eyes but no wise words to my lips. God bless you all.
my anti-spam word is “nospam” which I appreciate in any situation. (P recently introduced the kids to spam as a food.)
I don’t know what to tell you. I think that you have to listen to your gut when it comes to your children.
But, I also know that I wouldn’t likely be alive if it weren’t for my time, at the crappy old state hospital no less! And, I really can honestly say that I remember those times fondly.
So, I don’t think I’m being helpful at all, am I? Even with my good experience, I still think you have to go with your gut.