Woodstone Prairie

Yesterday was such an awesome day (I wonder…. have we been having better days than usual lately, or am I just appreciating them more because of the uncertainty of things with M?)

Anyway…. it was a great day.

I worked out in the barn, and got everything cleaned up and looking good. There is a pretty good possibility of snow coming, so it feels good to get the barn chores caught up…  We started a new literature study, this time using the book The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. We’ve read the book before and the kids love it, so it seemed like a good one to base a study around. We also started the new writing program I got for the kids the other day…  The book starts out very basic; what is a sentence, etc. But the kids both liked it and were excited about it. (Maybe I’ll learn some things too!)  Their other subjects also went well, with neither of them complaining, being oppositional (R’s favorite school attitude), or getting into things while I’m busy with the other one.

Adding to the good day was getting a call back from an old friend, an educational consultant. I’d left a message for her on Monday about getting together to take a look at where the kids are at, the direction I’d like to go, and what curricula (or other programs or materials) might help us to get there. When I didn’t get a call back from her right away, I worried that she might be out of town… But she’s not, and we’ll be getting together next week! I’m excited to get her feedback…

No… the day was sunny and bright (literally as well as figuratively) until I got an email from the pdoc. I’d given her permission to talk to the ECT doc about M. I’d told her that giving her permission to talk to him didn’t mean I was willing to consider ECT as an option, but she thought it would be a good way to gather information about treatment options (including ECT).

In her email she describes Dr G (ECT doc) as “extremely nice”, and said I should call him about bringing M in… “to evaluate M and try to assess the likelihood that ECT would be helpful.  Then, a risk-benefit analysis could be done”. She went on to say: “Please let me know what you think after you have talked with him.” Notice the assumption that I’ll call, make an appointment, and talk to Dr G….  There was no discussion about his qualifications, or what she might have learned from him about this kind of treatment.

Just call him and make an appointment… we’ll talk later.

That’s when the dark clouds settled over me… and unfortunately they’re still lingering, blocking out the sun, their heaviness pressing down on me.

I tossed and turned last night, having disturbing dreams about doctors and treatments (and loss of control, losing my children).

I’ve been praying, trying to figure out what to do. I’ve told God that if ECT is the direction to go, He needs to hit me hard with an unmistakable sign… because I’m really not wanting to go there.

I think the clouds probably won’t lift until I make a decision… So unless a lightening bolt hits me soon (telling me to go ahead with this) I’m going to email the pdoc and tell her no. There is no point in talking to Dr G because M isn’t, isn’t, ISN’T (yes, I’m screaming), going to have ECT.

Maybe then the sun will come out again…